STAYING FOR THE KIDS

Love made me cry

Having a lover is a pain in the ass, but being dumped by one is a volcano in the heart. Shit, I feel like NOTHINGNESS. I AM VOID. I guess change is not easy when it doesn't come in the form of an armed revolution.

What does this mean?

Well, it means a nigga is single – haven't been in years so I ain't used to the feeling – plus before her I wasn't really big on dating, I was a serial killer in the making; s'true God ka mmago ke so. It also means I will never get to smell the freshness of her seductive neck nor touch the smoothness of her delicate skin. It means a new nigga will take over the damn role from me. It means I'm screwed (not really, I'm not screwed at all, I have no one to screw me anymore).

Bound to happen?

Her sms said that “dis is not working and we can't continue like this. We've tried and we've failed. I think it's about time we end this for good and the future ahead. It's over and you know it. So all the best in finding your perfect woman.” MMM! I am as flusterbeneggled, whatever that means (new word after being dumped). But was it bound to happen? Were we born to fail at this or is it just pure stupidity on my part? I guess I got demons of my own that don't allow me to be happy. Honestly speaking, as her sms said it, we were just staying for the kids. We ain't got kids but I mean there was no more reason to stay. This was battered couple syndrome I guess, maybe something that borders on the valleys of denial and sexual schism, whatever the hell that means. Maybe we had hijacked the script of fate and wrote in our role as lovers when God had intended otherwise, and now we were merely paying for our crime. Somehow, it feels as if staying for the kids was better because leaving feels worse. Maybe like Abraham it's time we left our cities and went a'promise chasing. I'm a firm believer in freedom, but sometimes the change necessary to bring freedom really sucks.

Babalaaz?

Maybe it's not that bad, maybe I'm just sick from the baby-laaz that's giving my body hell. But I mean on my way to work I thought I was going to blog about my exciting weekend experience (recording a gospel message live at the 1335 Studios). That was before I read the sms because my phone battery was down the whole weekend. And then there it was...”I believe it's now or never...take care.” I feel like I'm drowning in a pool of dumpianiki, whatever that means. However, God is good, that's my story and I'm sticking to it/ this is my life and I'm speaking to it. I will pray for healing over my pre-marital divorce. Speaking in tongues always makes me feel fresh.

Untalented?

Does this mean I'm untalented when it comes to having a relationship? Or is it only because I'm still young and confused? This reminds me of Dazed and Confused by Led Zeppelin. I'ma listen to some rock tonight. Let the Mpumalanga Sun set with my fears of aging alone as I wank my limp penis home tonight. Let the gods shut their eyes as I write a poem on the page of my broken heart, lest I question God on how he designed a being of my kind. I wonder why I was never gifted with talent to lie and live happier with a woman. I don't hope to find anyone soon coz those that I had eyed are spoken for. Know she will find a tall lank with a long plank, it's all greener pastures for her. Me don't have shit to give, my silences were never appreciated because they reflected lack of care when they really revealed deep thought. I'ma change my blog title to Holy Nigga # 1 just to symbolise change. (Juz to mention that I got a bashing for calling my church by the word Nigga. Had a tough time convincing folk, who nevertheless, I must say repented when they listened to the good news I preached).

Way Forward?

Here am I joining the broken hearts queue. She too. But I'ma take each day at a time because life is a journey (to where? I don't know). I wish to smoke ganja tonight and just be free. It's just to costly to be a man. I say why find love when you can fund it? Being God is dangerous coz once you fall in love you end up committing suicide on a cross for the sake of love. Fuck love I guess.

Take Care?

Well, that's what she said. And in my heart of hearts, I wish her all the best. I know she definitely deserves better than me. I have never known what to do with her sweet love, so somebody should take over the reigns. It's a hot sit I must say. I'm 26 and I don't know where to from here. But as she said, I'ma take care. All I hope is that she grows bigger and bigger in her quest to be South Africa's Female Icon and an annointed child of God. Good love and good luck baby! Hope to see your face in my dreams tonight. Maybe squash the marijuana blunts: maybe James Blunt might come in handy tonight. “I leave this here, I leave this here so God can see my heart is pure,” Makavelli.