XENOPHOBIA: For Those Who Hate Coconuts

I've constantly been a “victim” of Coconutism. If your schooling hasn't advanced to the level of understanding that all phrases were once coined, then you will act shocked by the new word in the first sentence. Coconutism is indeed a classist phenomenon that has cancerously attacked those who are not coconuts. Today it's even worse, coconuts are everywhere, and they are so unapologetically proud of their Coconutism. If you are still lost, I will heed your excruciating wails for explanation and exonerate you for what in the future will be referred to as sheer ignorance. From today you will know what Coconutism is, and what an evil it is in our South African land. This is does not stand on equal footing with the xenophobic attacks in the country, but believe me, my people, we are under siege.

Definition: Coconutism is the act of speaking English with an accent that defies your African origins for the sole purpose of exhibiting one's fancy educational background as a way to demonstrate to one's fellow brothers and sisters that they are of an inferior class despite being of the same race.

Implication: The definition above simply says that coconuts speak the way they do to show those who can't that they are better human beings although they share the same colour skin as them.

So, there you have it, coconuts enjoy making us feel like we are nothing because we can't speak with an accent. I've seen it many times, and I am sure you have seen it as well. Coconuts are everywhere, and they are big in numbers. The problem is once you are not one of them you are automatically excluded from the benefits of being a coconut. That means you can't really date a coconut, his or her friends will not accept your “uncultivated” accent. I really feel sympathy for the rest of us, those who are not coconuts. Not that we hate coconuts because we feel they are fake. We hate them because we can't be them. We want to be them because we don't like feeling the way they make us feel. How many times should we bite our tongues when in conversation with coconuts? They speak English as if they suckled it from the Queen's very breast, or at least they make it sound like it. I could give out numbers of these people right now so you can hear them for yourself, but I shall spare you the trauma.

However, as a way forward, since coconuts have a name and we don't, I will name us, those who can't speak like Americans or the English, whatever, (not even them speak like these cocos). I truly, completely, 100% believe that coconuts are insensitive to the feelings of their brothers and sisters. There could be reasons why I went to a school where we were never taught how to pronounce names and how to mold our voices when we speak. We just went to school so we could read and write. Hell, coconuts can barely write, all they do is talk, and make sure that you can hear, not what they are saying, but how they are saying it.

My dear non-coconut, I have a new name for you. But first you must know why these coconuts are called coconuts. Apparently, coconut is translated to mean “black outside, white inside.” That's the correct meaning, despite the fact that a real fruit coconut is brown outside. But to be politically correct, coconut means black outside, white inside. Outside they are kaffirs, inside they are our English counterparts. So where does that leave you and me? We are black both outside and inside. And we become blacker everyday when Coconutism strikes and shrinks us into inferior and unlearned kaffirs. To spare you the pain, let me give you something to be proud about. As proud as they now also call themselves coconuts, you and I mfanakiti will call ourselves Blackholes. For the meaning of blackhole, CLICK HERE. But let the world know that you are I are the Blackholes, totally black inside. We might not be the Blackhole of Calcutta, but we are the Blackholes of Mzansi. I am a Blackhole and I am proud of it, msathanyoko.

(Kwaki, I have noted that you put my poems to good use, at least they won't go to waste. And uh, can you make that six, I mean the Marzen God.)