ZUMALEMA V/S SHIKOTA

Proclamations that the African National Congress (ANC) would rule until the return of Jesus Christ were nothing but premature ejaculation. I call this the Maahlamela Effect. For those who don't know the pre-legendary David wa Maahlamela, he is a poet who lives in Limpopo (yes, the famous garden of Eden where former president Thabo Mbeki was forced to eat the forbidden fatal fruit of defeat). Maahlamela will go down in the history of my thinking as a guy who won the battle way before it began. In one of his myriad of militant poems, Obituary for Maahlamela, the fearless word smith wrote that “Di retwa di etswa mokatong, fela nna ke etheta ke saya.” For those who are not familiar with the legendary Sepedi language of the Limpopo people, this would transliterate as “Don't count your eggs before they hatch, but I set up a whole chicken run before brooding is over.” In other words, Maahlamela is saying I jump before the drum beats and still waltz with rhythm.

So what does this have to do with the ANC and the Zumalema-Shikota face-off? Well, everything. The ANC is the best party in the country and is an emotionally recognised liberation movement, not just for Black South Africa, but for all who live in it. However, I started smelling a rat, which many have confused for flame-grilled chicken, when pronouncements were made during imbizos that the party would rule until Jesus comes back. As you might have seen, volunteer convener of the Congress of the People (COPE) party, Mbhazima “Sam” Shilowa, has said that “Jesus is back, so it's over for the ANC. The tricky part is that COPE is ANC in a different wardrobe (remember Kanye West's “If the devil wear Prada/ and Adam and Eve wear nada/ I'm in between but way more fresher/ with way less effort)? It would seem to me that indeed COPE is way more fresher, what with the myopic ANC Youth League's failure to understand that arrogance from another doesn't go down well with arrogant youth. They also seem to forget that the culture of respect is still a cherished illusion among adults and the young who aspire to salvage the little that they have left. So, outright rebellion and militancy can guarantee you fame, but there's no warranty of scooping votes. I guess somehow the ANC is not aware how much people have had it with it. People see Zuma's meetings being attended by scores of people and they assume well, that's a landslide victory. However, the same people must understand that all those who follow Zuma do so under the scattered mentality that they will receive R20 000 each when he ascends the rickety throne in the Union Buildings. All this at the coercion of campaigners hoping to be the next corrupt councillor of a ward who earns a whopping salary for ensuring that there is no freedom of speech within the community against the ruling party. Day by the day the truth is ringing true to the ultimate power holder, the voter.

The problem the ANC is faced with is that if Shikota scoops 20% of the vote, with the DA having rebranded their logo, ANC will not enjoy the two thirds majority that they wasted in the past. While Shikota is the old ANC, the fact remains that the new ANC, or the ANC, will lose a number of voters to the new formation. It doesn't matter whether it's to perpetuate the infamous Mbeki Xhosa-Nostra or accelerate the speed of capitalism's gravy train, the fact is votes will be lost to another party. When this happens, a possible coalition might see the ANC crumble to its knees without believing. Even if the ANC wins the election, they face a serious threat from its Alliance partners in the labour formations. I predict that should the ANC be in power, COSATU will once again go on its strike pilgrimage and this time threaten to defect to COPE. Unlike in the previous years where bowing to a striking menial worker meant losing power, the ANC government will be forced to bow and blow-job a bunch of labourers just to keep power. Once this happens, power has been lost. The ANC must then live to please. The Zumalema outpost will be filled with wounded cadres who must cower to militant civilians. Come 2014, the Democratic Alliance (DA) might as well surprise the hell out of everyone.

As for the DA, their only hope is indeed to break the perceived racial barriers that they face. When their zealous leader Helen Zille came to town, I sat down with her to check if she had plans of changing the race factors within her party, as the fear of Apartheid days will be used in the Zumalema campaign for the Union Building last year. She said the demographics in the DA were changing rapidly, which I must say I doubted because we spent a whole Saturday with the Mbombela/Nelspruit constituency, where I happened to be the only nigga on that day. I felt quite holy and sanctified (separated). The problem I identified with the DA leadership was you either stick to white loyalty or you sacrifice that for broader power. Zille has seemingly chosen the latter. The fact is that while Obama convinced America that Yes they can, he was nevertheless a compelling candidate. Before his colour was his charisma and ability to persuade without just being critical of the Bush administration. In the same way, if the DA ever decides to have a black leader, which is more likely, that leader won't catapult them to the UB. He or she will also need to be compelling.

As for the ANC, maybe Jesus has come or maybe not. Only time will tell.